


Everybody in Love~~~

by FeliciaAmelloides



Series: A Oneshot a Day... [75]
Category: South Park
Genre: Brief Vague Incest, Crack, Crack Pairings, F/F, F/M, Kyle is the Victim, M/M, Multi, None of the popular ships happen, OOC, Sexual Content, Some mention of depression/suicide, Very OOC, exaggerated fanon personalities, many ships, may Kyle rest in peace please?, no
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-03 21:15:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14004912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeliciaAmelloides/pseuds/FeliciaAmelloides
Summary: Cartman and Stan are gay for Kyle.Kenny, Craig and Those Guys and all the girls are also gay for Kyle.Tweek/Cartman, Kenny/Clyde, Stan/Token, Craig/Wendy, Bebe/Heidi, Red/Nichole all end up somehow happening.And as for Kyle?Well, he ends up with The New Kid of course!~((Rated mature for sexual content and possibly offensive content))





	Everybody in Love~~~

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what happened. Everyone's personality is how I've seen them portrayed in fanfiction but exaggerated to new heights (so Kenny and Cartman are kinda low-key perverts and also the same person but Cartman's a tsundere, Wendy is still hung up over Stan, Tweek is more anxious then he is in canon, Craig is less apathetic than he is in canon, etc...)
> 
> I made this to annoy as many shippers as possible, so a lot of weird ships happen. I kind of want Tweek/Cartman to be a thing now though? It's been in two of my crack fics for no reason other than I think it's a really strange pairing, but I'd love to try and figure out how it could feasibly be a pairing and then write a messed up fanfic for it!

As soon as Kyle reaches the bus stop, he realises that something isn't quite right about his friends.

This realisation is partly due to Cartman immediately grabbing his ass and winking flirtatiously at him whilst calling him an 'ugly ginger Jewrat', partly because Kenny does exactly the same thing (minus the 'ugly ginger Jewrat' part) and partly because Stan immediately starts awkwardly blushing and whispering in his ear to not mention last night. 

"What happened last night?!" He's asking Stan whilst slapping Kenny's roaming hands and punching Cartman square in the jaw simultaneously. He looks up at the bus and sees that absolutely EVERYONE is staring at him.

Hell, _Tweek and Craig_ are fighting over the spot at the window to try to get a better look at him.

"Okay. What the actual _fuck_ is going on here?" Kyle yells, prompting a 'tut tut' from Cartman.

"Oh _Kahl_. For a ginger, you're pretty blonde today. N-not that you're pretty or anything Jewboy! Baka..." Kyle shoots him an incredulous look.

"Knock it off, Cartman." He says, hoping desperately that this isn't some school-wide scheme from the fatass brunet.

"God, who put sand up your vagina today?" As Kyle prepares to totally kick his ass, Stan suddenly leaps in and punches Cartman just as Kyle himself did earlier.

"HEY! No one talks to my super best friend like that." Immediately they engage in a huge fight which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, giving Kenny the chance the sidle up to the ginger's side and hook an arm around his shoulders.

"Hey cutie~ Heard through the _grapevine_ that you totally hooked up with Stan last night. I must say, I'm fairly jealous~ Wish I'd have gotten to you first n'all. Oh well! Means you'll be better at giving head I guess." 

" _What?_ " Kyle takes a few steps back, then decides to just 'fuck it' and races into the bus. Hearing Kenny talk completely unmuffled and use more than one sentence at a time despite wearing his parka and not really being the talkative type just made everything ten times weirder.

But there is no escape to be found on the bus either.

"KYLE!" Everyone screams simultaneously (including the bus driver and Mr Garrison who is there for absolutely no apparent reason- why is the teacher on the school bus?).

"Kyle! I-I love you man! OH JESUS THAT WAS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE AAAGGAGGGGGGGHH CRAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAG!!!!!!!!" Tweek aggressively screeches. Craig vaguely places a hand in his blond mane and he instantly calms, sipping on a thermos of coffee he produced from _somewhere_ randomly.

"Hey, if you're up for a threesome me and Tweek don't mind." The ravenette says in a monotone, flipping Kyle off whilst asking if he wants a threesome.

"Awww! But I wanted Kyle all to myself!" Pouts Clyde who is there and involved in the conversation for some reason. He then promptly bursts into tears and Bebe hugs him.

"I wouldn't mind taking Kyle out for a spin either..." Token wisely and pensively muses like a wise old sage, mothering fatherly over the rest of Craig's Gang at the same time.

"Well, he does have a nice ass. I won't be offended about that comment, Toke." Nichole says from where she is aggressively making out with Token.

"Damn straight biatch. Kyle's ass is super hot." Red drawls seductively, flipping her long red hair and shaking her suddenly E cup boobs at Kyle. He just stares (not at her boobs, Jesus), waiting for everyone to shut the hell up.

"I'm kinda in love with Cartman, Kyle, but I can tell that you're hurting so much and I don't really mind sharing because my feelings like, totally don't matter!" Heidi smiles suicidally from behind him. Suddenly he feels sorry for her and doesn't want to date her boyfriend anymore. Wait, he never wanted to date Cartman in the first place! And why is the smile described as suicidal? Kyle wonders if he should be worried about her. If he's wondering that, the answer is yes.

"Ugh, you boys are so dumb! I hate Cartman because he's a cishet white guy and, like, super offensive, but I love you Kyle! Maybe even a little more than Stan!" Wendy randomly says. She hasn't even been dating Stan since fourth grade, what the fuck.

"You know what? Fuck this. Fuck me. Fuck all of you. I'm out. I'm out!" Kyle says in a tone which is way too flat, shoving his way off the bus and running home.

At home, the situation is not much better. "Kyle! I wove you. Kiwss mwe." Ike greets him with. Kyle just screeches maniacally and races upstairs, locking the door firmly behind him before his _parents_ start hitting on him too (his brother was bad enough).

And then something weird happens. Kyle blinks, and he's back at school. Everyone is acting normal, and _what the actual fuck_.

"E-Eric!" Tweek runs into the classroom late, blushing heavily. Cartman looks up at him from his seat and smiles widely.

"Oh, hey Tweekie. You okay?" The concern in his voice makes Kyle immediately consider this strange place as some sort of fucked up dream. Tweek just blushes more and hands him a silver thermos, matching the one he had on the bus earlier.

"Y-yeah. I brought you coffee." He smiles shyly up at Cartman, who leans forwards and gently presses his lips to Tweek's forehead.

"Thank you. Seriously brah." Tweek just squeals and runs away (presumably back to his own classroom). Mr Garrison either doesn't notice or doesn't care about this.

Cartman chuckles warmly and turns back to Kyle, "So, where were we Kahl?"

"What. Was. That." Kyle responds in an almost murderous tone, conveying his thoughts out loud. Cartman stares at him in confusion.

"Um, duh. My boyfriend being the sweetest person in the whole world of course! Why?" He leans closer, making Kyle almost retch as he shuffled backwards instinctively. His next words are in a low, almost sultry tone, "Jelly?" 

Kyle slaps him harder than he slapped Kenny at the bus stop on what may or may not have been that morning (he has no idea at this point). Cartman reels, but his shit-eating grin makes Kyle want to hit him again.

Turning away from the fat asshole who is _apparently_ dating _Tweek Fucking Tweak_ now, Kyle looks around the classroom.

 _Oh God._.

Craig and Wendy are smiling and chatting about feminist movements in the late 1960s, the former sitting in the latter's lap as she continues to beam throughout her rant on why the liberals of that era 'had it all wrong' and what they should have done to secure full rights for women earlier. Are they even talking about American politics? Sounds more like Portugal...

Kenny and Clyde are having wild sex in one corner of the room. Kyle instantly averts his eyes, although he is now scarred for life at the sight of Clyde's tears of arousal (what) and Kenny's lust-crazed eyeballs.

Red and Nichole are drawing together and chatting. Kyle decides that they look normal, then realises that they are drawing erotica of themselves and almost dies.

Unfortunately for Kyle, Stan is also engaged. With Token. Possibly to Token judging by the gold rings on their fingers. They're playing a game on some random PSPs and aggressively flirting throughout.

Bebe and Heidi are talking about their feelings. Apparently Heidi has been depressed for years because of her toxic relationship with Eric (even though they don't seem to be _in_ a relationship) and Bebe is helping her to recover. The strangest part is that she doesn't actually _have_ depression. Everyone just says she has it and she calmly agrees because she doesn't want to argue with anyone. How Kyle knows that is beyond him. 

So all of that is canon now.

Kyle has already decided just to pretend that it's all normal. He's experienced weirder things in South Park before! And then he sees her.

A New Kid with long, wily brown hair, a sweet outfit which is both a superhero and barbarian style outfit at the same time because she's in two different franchises and couldn't decide which one she liked better, and a flaming pink vibrator which is apparently a weapon. 

She sits down next to him and smiles politely.

"Hey, sorry for the craziness your Highness. Or your Kiteness? Idk man, life's pretty confusing right now." Kyle doesn't say anything. There's no point. He doesn't get to contribute to the plot right now.

"So, we've swapped roles, huh? That's cool. Kewl. Kahl." She chokes and squeals a little, then dies and reincarnates herself. Kyle is not gonna say a fucking _thing_.

Then she becomes gender neutral, silent and with a mysterious appearance.

Douchebag smiles a little from the front of the classroom and approaches Kyle neutrally yet also shyly. They pull closer to him, and he's now in love with them. They lean in to each other for a passionate kiss-

*

BANG!

Douchebag wakes up with their typical frown. Those dreams are getting weirder and weirder by the day...

Calmly, they put on the latest game's costume and go out to fight bad guys, make friends and finally find a way to date their allies!

THE END.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, that was probably offensive in many ways. I have no restraints when it comes to crackfics. Please forgive me.
> 
> Next oneshot is also a crackfic. Please forgive me for that too.
> 
> Prompt- One of those shipping wars but with the characters involved being the ones fighting (and then all getting together with people no one in the fandom ships them with)
> 
> Original Number- 332


End file.
